Lost

I think it's over. I have to start to think for myself. I have to change that dream that we made, that dream that now becomes impossible because that dream that got me through the hard times now has gone. It's okay. Perhaps I can have a new one, and who knows, perhaps that new dream will come fast enough to soothe the pain.

I Admit

I don't know what I am doing with my life. I always look at other people's live, lamenting my own. But these past years, I just stand in the same platform. I strive for a life goal, but I don't have any. I'm just trying to get by, trying to forget my current life by doing exactly nothing to change it. I don't try hard enough, I know, but now what should I do.
I complain, I hate myself, I acknowledge my weakness with a scoff, but that's just it. That's just what i am doing. like now. What should I do.
Where is my place in this world? What I want to do with my life? I thought I knew but then I waver.
I just want to be happy, but what is happiness, I made it complicated.
Limbo. I am in limbo.


but, deep down, I know what makes it empty. I know why it feels so hard to find my place. I know. I just don't want to admit it. I crave for a silly, stupid, and disgusting easy way out. I want to stop it. I want to promise that I am going to address it properly and really trying after I get back from Japan. Just 10 more days. but do I have time for that? why not now? why not? see? this is where I fail.

Everything can happen in those 10 days and then it's over. No more chance. But I know myself. And I hate myself for it. It's like I'm trying to find an excuse.

And it will sounds silly, but I'm worried. I'm afraid of death and I'm afraid it will come near and I don't have anymore chance. I waste it on wasteful things.

Say, that I still have that, the chance. I really want to change. It sounds easy but I know it's not because I'm so weak.