Lady Lonely

The funny thing is I made myself lonely. I like my own company but sometimes I crave the attention of others. I can reach out to someone, talk, or something. But I don't want to be bothered with the effort of socializing. Of thinking what to say right, how to avoid saying something wrong, or to consider other's feeling, letting them in. I have to ignore my social anxiety, my HSP nature to get someone to talk to me. I long for easy company, but it has to be earned, and couldn't afford that I guess.

I don't know what I want, and that's actually not a surprise.

Aww.. I thought it's gone

It feels like, everytime i make one step forward everyone has already made ten u_u

Rant

My.. your attitude doesn't match your preach. I thought I was the only hypocrite.

Music to me

If you play me a song and tell me it's beautiful then i'd most likely to agree. If I play you a song and tell you it's really great, I don't blame you to either stay or flee. Oh, and don't ask me about a particular song, I'll listen to it thrice then write you an essay. My taste in music is like a clay, shaped in any way. 65% of my phone battery is spent on spotify. I have various genre, language, and mood playlists on standby.  I may not like every songs, but I listen and listen until i relent, eventually. I may not know every songs but I believe there's always beauty in every melody.

It's not the job, its the people.

So this is why I've been prepared. Everything has an expired date.

Meh

I had a couple of glorious weeks without this damned depression. Now it's back though, oh, uh, hello! Miss me already?

Living on anaesthetic.

Living on anaesthetic.
No one seems to get it.
Losing the feeling on the fingertips yet cold seeps through, hot burns through.
Living on anaesthetic
Seems too much to take in.
But the mind is big enough for another universe.
Living on anaesthetic.
Not to be fixed.
To live a little safer.
-Adqz
Inspired from the song Anaesthetic by Thompston

One of these days

I'm gonna take that last step

Focus on the good things

Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things Focus on the good things

Is it really about that?

This morning, until for about ten hours, I felt fine. It's ok, ten is good.

Sing it out they said

At karaoke now but it can't cheer me up like it used to. It's alarming how stuff that i had severely enjoyed before lost its appeal. It's currently playing "drag me down", how ironic.

When you're sad and you don't know why

This chest hurts and I can't summon enough energy to do anything. I used to blame it on lazyness, but lazyness doesn't make me feel like this. This is my off day, my chance to do things that I've planned all week, I'm sure they will be fun. Well, I'd rather slump on my bed and trying to forget. Forget what, though. Everything around me whether annoys me or makes my chest even more hurts. Life is not as bad as per usual. I am grateful, but its like im not grateful enough. Gah, I think I'll just sleep again.

I didn't ask for this

I used to despise that kind of person. Then I turned to be that kind person. Some say karma has won. Well, my hypocrisy has never let me down. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. They just chose to lift their skirt and run. Then I despise them too, then despise myself too, i am them anyway.

Always

He is running to the never-end of the ring of life.
Winding in and winding out for a chance to survive.
Wavering in a crunching numbers of grief.
Cowering behind the so called belief.

Always.

But he never gets tired of this kind of life.
He doesn't leave off and live with a wife.
He takes pleasure from every single new leaf.
He waits for his very own magical relief.

Always.

-Adqz

Creating the memory

While holding tight to the time. Begging it to go slower. So much slower.

A name and a comrade

I used to run at the sight of the sun. I moved back down, made no mistake about it. I merely bowed when my mind pulled me by the head and jerked me around. I used to wake up at the whitest of the day, already wishing for the next day. I wondered, I wandered to an impossible future. I used to despise regret. I found a solution in forgetfulness, a solace in blissful unawareness. I used to write and delete. I bailed like no one business. I used to over process everything, to be overthinking, that it came out nothing. Nothing comes out from nothing. But something did come through though. Something that is as simple as a name and a comrade. Somehow everything got easier after that.

Ahh.. I need to keep up

Another​ procrastination post. Hello. Well.. I noticed that almost all of my posts here are very depressing. I complained too much, apparently, lol.

I didn't mean to make it an angsty blog, but I'm just happened to write when I feel awful. It actually was the real reason why I made this blog. A way to distract me from my feeling, but often it made me feel worse.

Now? Now I don't know. I seem to had a lot of episodes recently. But when I stop and think about it, i don't really have anything to complain about in my current life. Why do I feel bad?

Perhaps i'm sad?