Thursday, April 30, 2015

the story that ppl dont need to know

I am a fujoshi, or slasher-maniac. its a part of me that ppl dont understand. it ruins me for life but i can't find myself regretting it (yet). i love and crave everything about male and male romantic relationship. its sick i know. looking back, i grew up as a normal girl.. well, as normal as a girl with excessive emotions can get. By excessive i mean that i feel strongly for something or someone. so when i like something, i will love it obsessively. and if i hate something, i dont hesitate to destroy it.
The story began when i was first introduced to manga, japan comic books. the first manga i read and loved was candy-candy. A suprissingly normal manga. then i stumbled upon an interesting manga about 2 boys (i forget the title) who, if i remember correctly, childhood bestfriends. one of them is adorably absent-minded, forgetful, and clumsy. he can't even remember what he's done the day before. the bestfriend think that he was mistreated by his mother. because the mother is a bit mysterious. but it turns out that that was not the case. this boy is some kind of physic or something and he can kill just by looking (thats pretty neat!) and he has acute-anger-management-problem that he killed his own dad because the dad used to beat his mother. thats why the mother try to wipe the boy's memories every day to avoid his anger-problem -which is why he is so forgetful-, if he forget, he cant get angry right? but this revelation makes the boy gets angry even more and the mother died. without a mother, the boy becomes dependant of his bestfriend. he even blew a plane up and killed the entire passenger including his bestfriend's parents just because he's jealous of them.  knowing what his bestfriend capable of and then losing his parents, the best friend can only hugs the boy and say that he's not going everywhere. and that.... was the first time i saw two men hugging, and feeling something. i couldnt let go of that images for days.
Haha, that was kinda silly. i don't even know what has gotten into me. after that, i always looked for shounen ai manga (manga about man/man relationship) and it is HARD! of course, why would a publisher want to translate and published that kind of story?. at that time, i was still in my stupid 13 year-old self, i didn't know that online manga scan was exist. then, my focus was moved elsewhere. namely Japanese Rock Band or i prefer visual kei band. i couldnt resist pretty boy singing rock and hardcore music. plus, they like to give their fans some fan services like kissing and rubbing each other.
All that strangness was escalated when i was introduced of "slash story". slash is an english term (slang?) for man/man relationship. there were an overwhelming amount of that kind of story in internet. they are in english. and you know what? when i was in high school, i was very bad in English. i didn't even know the differences between do and does. but these stories kinda forced me to know the meaning of the story, and that gradually made me to be so much improved in english vocabulary. ok, back on track.
after consuming so many slash stories, i found a story that would make me into what they called as Fandom. a Harry Potter fanfiction. years before, i was a Harry Potter Novel Maniac. but never did i thought that it will be slashy. i was still innocent at that time, mind you. so this this fanfiction is about Harry and Draco slash. strange, they are arch enemies, but it made me completely intrigued. and what a story! i was blown away. aagain i forget the title of the story, but my deep gratitude goes without saying. From there needless to say, i was shoved deep into fanfiction world and fandom.. it has been many years since then.. about 8 years? wow..
now i have a lot of fav fandoms and OTPs both canon and fanon. i've read thousands fics from ficlet until novel-length. i mastered a lot of fanfiction terms that ordinary ppl will see them as alien words.
There are many fanfics written in my mother language, but i dont like it. to me fanfic is in english. thats why i made my fanfic in english. yep, i have my own fanfiction *g* (no matter how horrible is the  words). haha i admit im not good at writing, but in reading im an expert. eventhough i cant say that i have a good command in english, i perfectly know when the writing is good or plainly suck. it also goes for published novels. well yeah i also read actual novels (i mean not novel-length fics), dont act so surprised.

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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

way to sink my ship - Shameless (2)

so i finished downloading the full season 5 of Shameless. i watched all of Ian/Mickey parts, and until now still cannot recover from the shock..
i just want a good, or atleast hopeful ending to cherish until the next season. but why did you make them breaking up instead???!!!!!. how could you do that for me??!!! and whats more, Noel Fisher is said not going to feature in the next season. so, is this the end of their relationship?? i definitely dont like that. I'M FREAKING FURIOUS!!! this season is breaking my heart seeing Mickey being so worried and helpless about Ian. and to reward his struggle, Ian breaks up with him. GAHHH.. i actually sobbing in the last episode.

Feeling devastated i tried to soothe this aching heart by looking for a good news, guess what i found? that IN THE FLESH SEASON 3 IS CANCELED BY BBC3!!!! God... i can't stand it anymore. why do you people like to break this little heart of a fan. and i'm sure its not just me. there are many who are also crushed with this. i just want to curl up and cry for a whole day T___T


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Shameless

to be truthful, i only watch this series because of mickey/ian part. but theres a reason why this series is still going on strong in US. all of the characters are harsh, real, but at the same time, human. they can be cruel and sans moral that never fail to make me cringe everytime. but there're also many awesome moments when they genuinely care about 'family' or when they struggle to be a better person. my favorite character is -goes without saying- mickey milkovich. ppl call him a white trash tug.. well, he is.. he never does a single honest work. he likes to destroy things as well as human. hell, he even sells his ex-whore wife to the highest bid. but when he loves, he 'loves'. he can be a jerk at first. he tried to deny it. doing things that was actually hurting his lover and himself. but after he becomes more honest with himself, there's no turning back. he'll do everything for his loved one, because family for him is everything that matter.

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Sunday, April 12, 2015

it's not PMS-ing, mind you :p

i have two people who keep me going. one, because i have to, my mum, and the other because i choose to, my bestfriend. The rest, can go fuck themselves. i sound like a constipated old woman. but i'm just tired of being let down. tired of feeling sorry of myself. tired of trying to prove myself only to be knocked down a couple of notch.
being angry doesn't solve anything. but God how its hard. sometimes i wish to erase this ability to feel. i don't want to feel anything but happy. but don't we all?
happiness is simple really. but i never fail to complicate it every single day. i always forget to enjoy this simple happiness instead of lamenting of the hard life.
i should forget about them.. those who become the source of disappointment in my life. those who invoke my ugly feeling. they can go fuck themselves. thank you very much


Saturday, April 11, 2015

BIG FUCK YOU TO Y'ALL

here i am again.. at my lowest point.. and again, i bring the same problem.. my anger.. what happen with it? usually i can handle it well. but recently i can feel it shoving through my throat. so hot here, in my head. when i thought that finally i can get over it. i need vacation. long, refreshing vacation. preferably alone. but me and alone? we do not go together.
i tried to be responsible of myself. but its hard, when slowly i lose faith in myself. and when someone who i wish i can lean on, seems to distance himself from me, its like, the final thread.


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