This road never feels this lonely

Everything goes uncertain. Why do you have to choose today of all days. Every bit of hope I got always never comes alone. I am done.  I am tired of trying. Of waiting. Of grasping at nothing. Of every steps that crumble before me.

Maybe I shouldn't put my feelings on the highest priority anymore. What good does it bring me? Maybe I should change my objective. Happiness brings nothing but uncertainty, maybe I should be content with "settled". Maybe I'll snatch it. Afterall, It'd be less harder than finding a happiness. Or maybe I am looking at the happiness in the wrong place.

Get your ass up

For every time wasted, for every opportunity lost, for every knowledge not gained, you cannot get them back unless you move your ass up and DO SOMETHING FOR GOD'S SAKE.

The slump

Never mind, I'll just pretend

Try to keep up or to survive, I can't do both

Yesterday was a bad day, and today is too. What about tomorrow, I am yet to know. Not much different perhaps, since misery loves company. I'm just afraid of succumbing to the depression again. It would snuff out of what can be called as a tiny improvement. Three is enough don't you think? And i didn't even count that one.

Lost

I think it's over. I have to start to think for myself. I have to change that dream that we made, that dream that now becomes impossible because that dream that got me through the hard times now has gone. It's okay. Perhaps I can have a new one, and who knows, perhaps that new dream will come fast enough to soothe the pain.

I Admit

I don't know what I am doing with my life. I always look at other people's live, lamenting my own. But these past years, I just stand in the same platform. I strive for a life goal, but I don't have any. I'm just trying to get by, trying to forget my current life by doing exactly nothing to change it. I don't try hard enough, I know, but now what should I do.
I complain, I hate myself, I acknowledge my weakness with a scoff, but that's just it. That's just what i am doing. like now. What should I do.
Where is my place in this world? What I want to do with my life? I thought I knew but then I waver.
I just want to be happy, but what is happiness, I made it complicated.
Limbo. I am in limbo.


but, deep down, I know what makes it empty. I know why it feels so hard to find my place. I know. I just don't want to admit it. I crave for a silly, stupid, and disgusting easy way out. I want to stop it. I want to promise that I am going to address it properly and really trying after I get back from Japan. Just 10 more days. but do I have time for that? why not now? why not? see? this is where I fail.

Everything can happen in those 10 days and then it's over. No more chance. But I know myself. And I hate myself for it. It's like I'm trying to find an excuse.

And it will sounds silly, but I'm worried. I'm afraid of death and I'm afraid it will come near and I don't have anymore chance. I waste it on wasteful things.

Say, that I still have that, the chance. I really want to change. It sounds easy but I know it's not because I'm so weak.