find me 'neath the mask

I love me. but i hate me as a person. Not a good person i tell you. I don't like to be called evil. but seeing myself makes me change my mind. Someone calls it human, i call it necessary evil. there'll be no saint angel without the devil. And the devil lurks, waiting for the right moment to get in action.
I love masks, I love wearing masks. they are beautiful. useful. i can decorate anything on them. happy face, sad face, kind face, misterious face. the mask that can cover anything inside.
but beneath the mask, who am i really? maybe i'm the lurking devil. or maybe the devil is lurking inside me. There's sin in my talk, in my silence, in my walk, in my stop, in my blind, in my sight, in my ignorance, in my care, in my prosperity, in my poverty. God help me, the dancing fairy won't give me my innocence back.

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Edgar

He left me here to die. After all this time taking care of me, he allowed me to be killed. Someone who's like an older brother to me. My only family. 

It was not an easy choice i know. That woman was our only key to front section and we couldn't afford lose her. I was so sorry to put him in this position. It was my fault I got myself caught. I was too weak. But I thought I was worth more than that. More than a simple causalty of war. I didn't want to die. It shouldn't be my time yet. But even after this, I couldnt even brought myself to hate him.

His eyes had begged me to forgive him before he turned and went to chase that woman. I regretted that he must have seen my betrayed look. I hate to add more sadness to that sky-dark eyes. The responsibility he had to shoulder on was already over-weighting him. So it's ok Curtis, finish our fight with your pretty head held high. I forgive you man. I was honored to have the chance to be your second in command (if I'm being honest, it probably was because I always shamelessly follow you around). And as I said before, you are and will be an amazing leader. Wish me luck getting steak in heaven.

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fun?

having fun together is... well, fun. but it has its downside. We change into a dependent person. And thats ugly. We can't have fun if our buddies are busy. sometimes negative thinking rears its boring head. We become too wary and paranoid. We need them to have fun but we're not sure that they can't have fun without us. We feel lost when we're alone and it's like we can't function by ourselves. Then we can not breath, the first stage of panic attack before an invinsible hand clutching tightly to our heart, and we died of heart attack. ok, that's umm..

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