my beaus

my first hardcore favorite singer would be a japanese singer Gackt, i was obsessed then. his Prince persona and his voice are what i liked best. Without being able to move on from Gackt i grew a love for Alexander Rybak, The winner of 2009 Eurovision. He has strong voice character and very sweet nature. You can tell he's a nice person only by looking at his smile.

I knew Enrique Iglesias when i was in Junior High, i knew him as Julio Iglesias' son, my mum's fav man. i liked him then, but i was just realized how alluring his voice was until a few years ago. and what a man he had grown into. i've been addicted ever since.

I don't really remember when i began to know a singer named Mika. I just know that i love him. The voice and the person. The good and the fault. His songs make my life a little better

The last person (but not least!) would be Nate Ruess. The song 'we are young' was what brought me in. He sings in his honest voice. the voice that pierce.

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redemption

life as i see it, lost in the crowd of confusions
words can throw a court in turmoil of thousands
explosions acted out of the new years
safety is no more than the agreement of the peers

Have you seen the news?

Human is a kingdom of species

fetch the death
waif of the life
it is not a despair nor surender
i'm not imagining salvation
because believe me not, it is your smile that can mend what have been broken
help me not to stray from the atonement
only in the the blur of the time
the praise in all the syllables that are rhyme
look how devoted i am already.
how fated you are to me
illusions are just a myth
even in my most delusional mind

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humans are complicated

Humans are weird, feeling lost when they don't want to belong. Chasing dreams while letting the reality go. I told you, they are weird.

No hate

Equality: The state of being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities. (www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/equality)

Equality doesn't require much. It doesn't even need physical means to make it happen. So why does it take a lot from us -with hard, and tiring processes we have to endure- to be able to achieve this our biggest dream, equality.
Such a simple word really, 'equal'. People seem to forget that we are created as the same creature. There are no creatures called 'blacks', 'fags', or  'Muslims'. We are human (in case you're still wondering), human whose heart full of hatred.
Hate is born from the inability to understand. People hate things that they don't understand. But did you hate fireflies because you don't know what makes them light up? No, you got curious instead, then perhaps you look closer, trying to understand. So why those haters and bygots won't do the same? Do they kill the fireflies? Cruelly snuff out their lights, too consumed by their hatred to see how beautiful those fireflies dance under the moonlight.
Hatred hurts people. Even a word of hatred can tear a heart, or worse, kill. Doesn't matter how much they act strong or indifference, the feeling of being unwanted is worse than a killing blow. Why do you have to show your disagreements, your disrespect, your opinion to everyone? do you think it's important? your opinion? who are you?. Every people have heart that can feel and brain that can think. If you insult someone, think how'd you feel if you are in their shoes and someone hurdle you with the same insult? How many more people were and will be snuffed out? 

jumnicial

i thought i am a very open-minded person. im proud of my ignorance of stereotype, my acceptance of differences. but after seeing this serial, all those beliefs was scattered into little pieces. i find myself still tied to conservative ways. my way of seeing the world is not completely crooked and i regret this idiocy.

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good bye

the imminent death
come through the alley
bringing me the hearth
burns the rotten me

many roads to die
yearn the merciful
a painless goodbye
revert back to null

can share me gallows
can give me the pills
the looming shadows
they're close to kill

either one or those
slashed heart still hurt most
dragging pain of those
wish death the foremost

the set is likely
there will come the end
forget so readily
unable to stand

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Us Against The World

If its us against the world, would u take my hand or run to the other side?
If its us against the world, would you take my hand or blame me for the wrong ride?
If its us against the world, would you take my hand or let me be swallowed in the tide?

A misplaced thrust, what an unfortune

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im sick

i can't breath thru my nose, i got a headache, my stomach feels strange, my throat is itchy, i can't sleep despite the amount of pills that i took, and i feel so hot!
mum... T_T

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vain (2)

the remnants cannot be whole again
even forever can't soothe the pain
all of the regrets that remain,
all come to mere stain.

there's nothing in this desolate little space but rain
the hopes can only pine in restraint
all of the dreams you've bargained,
all come to mere disdain.

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MIKA - Good Guys (review)

I love Mika, but there's no music video of Mika that i especially like until this one was out. Both of the song and the video are beautiful. They gave new insights of life in different perspectives. but let's focus on video only shall we? because if i talk about the song, it'll be a long exhausting journey of fangirling babbles.

So, what makes his video special? on the video we can only see Mika and the dancers in a huge warehouse. Mika is moved by the dancers like he is a doll *coughtoyboycough*. The video in my interpretation is about how our life are unconsciously being dictated from when we open our eyes in the morning until we close them in the night. sometimes we cannot live the life that we want to because the society forbid it. they make us to hide our trueself. They rule what we are supposed to be and how we lead our life.

My favorite part is when Mika tries to run from the dancer. when he runs, i can see his desire to escape from the binds of society that is represented by the dancers. yes, in the end he is caught, but what matter is his will to be free. to be what he is. Thus lead us to his lyric in the song "Only hoping one day I could be so bold", because by making this song and music video, he tells us that that one day has come. And i wish that one day i could be so bold like him.

when it falls, it falls

where's that love gone?
when you told me that i am no longer your one.
i wonder when it has gone.

when did it go from worse to indifferent.
from the unflappable to no longer certain
to a lover that is need'nt.

i miss that moment when i had my comfort of denial.
way before i acknowledged my fall,
i was a man with a mask of steel
there's nowhere my breath anyone can steal

but now that you had changed it all
i got a first taste of betrayal
because you don't like to be treated fragile.
pretending that you're not really ill

everyone's expecting me to bolt and run when everything is no longer fun.
but in the end its you who actually crumble at the glimpse of trouble.

yes, yes sometimes i wish you to take the pills and just, to be fine.
but you can't blame me to worry for my family, Ian.
even if now you despise to be one of mine.

so this is it?
after all this time,
are we just.. over?

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dont read too much into it

what scares me the most is being left alone with my own thought - my worst enemy.
what annoys me the most is when i talk nonsense - which i always do.
what irks me the most is my ego - something that the world is better without.
what i hate the most is my very existence - because of how i love myself too much.
what bothers me the most is how i love myself too much - and theres nothing that is worse than loving yourself too much.

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this morning

as everyone is asleep i'm awake without all of the fakes.
as everyone buries themselves in dreams, i play and replay my memories.
sometimes i smile, for the best part of the day has yet to happen.
i have no reason to be sad, as tomorrow brings the new leaven.

the after is always excites my nerves while the before is only the pretest. Lord, my dearest Lord.. to whom it to be addressed, my uncontained pulse burst into rainbow.

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the story that ppl dont need to know

I'm a fujoshi, which means I'm absolutely obsessed with male/male romantic relationships. It's a part of me that people don't really get. It might seem a bit crazy, but I don't regret it (yet). I grew up as a normal girl... well, as normal as a girl with excessive emotions can be. When I love something, I love it obsessively, and when I hate something, I don't hesitate to destroy it.

My story began with manga, Japanese comic books. The first manga I fell in love with was Candy Candy, a surprisingly normal one. Then, I stumbled upon a manga about two boys who were childhood best friends. One boy was absent-minded and forgetful, and his best friend thought his mother mistreated him. But it turned out the boy had psychic powers and anger management issues, and his mother was wiping his memories daily to prevent him from getting angry. This manga blew my mind, and I couldn't forget the image of the two boys hugging.

After that, I always looked for shounen ai manga (manga about male/male relationships), but it was hard to find. Then, my focus shifted to Japanese rock bands, especially visual kei bands. I couldn't resist pretty boys singing hardcore music and giving fan service like kissing and hugging.

My obsession escalated when I discovered "slash stories," which are about male/male relationships. There were so many stories online, and they were in English. I wasn't good at English in high school, but these stories improved my vocabulary a lot.

One fanfiction that had a huge impact on me was a Harry Potter slash story about Harry and Draco. It blew my mind and sucked me into the world of fanfiction. Since then, I've read thousands of fics and have many favorite fandoms and OTPs.

Although there are fanfics written in my native language, I prefer reading and writing in English. I even write my own fanfiction, despite not being the best writer. But when it comes to reading, I'm an expert and can tell good writing from bad.

That's a bit about me and my journey as a fujoshi. It's been wild, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

4/30/15 3:48 PM

Shameless

to be truthful, i only watch this series because of mickey/ian part. but theres a reason why this series is still going on strong in US. all of the characters are harsh, real, but at the same time, human. they can be cruel and sans moral that never fail to make me cringe everytime. but there're also many awesome moments when they genuinely care about 'family' or when they struggle to be a better person. my favorite character is -goes without saying- mickey milkovich. ppl call him a white trash tug.. well, he is.. he never does a single honest work. he likes to destroy things as well as human. hell, he even sells his ex-whore wife to the highest bid. but when he loves, he 'loves'. he can be a jerk at first. he tried to deny it. doing things that was actually hurting his lover and himself. but after he becomes more honest with himself, there's no turning back. he'll do everything for his loved one, because family for him is everything that matter.

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for all the things happened

i am thankful
for my meals today
for my healthy mum
for my own health
for my complete and functioned limbs
for my working brain
for the roof that is still up
for this rodentless house
for not having to worry about some difficult stuff
for being given a more or less content life
for being alive and kicking
Alhamdulillah

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that fragile R

Maybe its just me who is still gripping the past, refusing to move on. Maybe i fail to see that the thread is already weak, that the smile is no longer vibrant, and that the words have lost their meaning. Maybe i have to let go.

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old love letter

just found this letter i wrote in 2012.. this is stupid, but makes me smile..

Dear you.

You don't deserve my love but i love you anyway. This love for you is like a parasite, eating my heart away. I'm too far in a pointless imagination of you i can't be saved. It can ruin my life but i would never be caved. You stuck in my head. But that's all i could get.

You're a real fantasy. You're the impossible. I know i have to stop but its not that simple. Your name's already craved deep in my heart. I think i must be invincible because i'm ready to be hurt. I cherish your smiles eventhough it's never directed at me. The smiles that practically lit the whole world and shame every rhyme.

You don't deserve my love but i love you anyway. There's thousand men worth my heart more but only to you that my heart goes.

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Not to wake

This lucidity of mine
slowly scatters my carefuly built mind
makes them into remains
pulls hard to all the already broken reins

rush as far as you like
won't change that it's still a ten-mile hike
an iron spike is all you have
as you've always known that it's all just a naff

i want to break the reality
dissolve it until blurry

believe me it's not peace that you're looking for
but pain
the pain that will make you stay grounded
that will make you more alive even in your death

i am stranded
i can only see red
i am asking the answer of my own
i believe i am drown

don't be silly
water is not for burrying a body
water will not drown you
water will get rid of you

first day of 2015 eh?

So.. how is it going, you ask?
last year was nice to me, i think..
terrible mistakes i made, had a way to find its solution.
all the worries settled comfortably into hope.

i still can feel the overwhelming rope.
but that's okay, i'm getting the hang of it.

i dont expect much for this year.
but just try to stop my prayer.

this life that i've been chosen to live.
i waste my worth by being too naive.
i always scream to be saved.
but being an ignorant self, its inevitable to be caved.

i'm forgetful of being thankful.
always say that something really nice in my life is something that i was deprived.
ungrateful of me.
maybe if that's not me, it won't be too hard to favor me.

and then i wish to be more mature to know myself.
to admit the scars and the bruises from my own fangs.
let us see for this year yeah?

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