the story that ppl dont need to know

I'm a fujoshi, which means I'm absolutely obsessed with male/male romantic relationships. It's a part of me that people don't really get. It might seem a bit crazy, but I don't regret it (yet). I grew up as a normal girl... well, as normal as a girl with excessive emotions can be. When I love something, I love it obsessively, and when I hate something, I don't hesitate to destroy it.

My story began with manga, Japanese comic books. The first manga I fell in love with was Candy Candy, a surprisingly normal one. Then, I stumbled upon a manga about two boys who were childhood best friends. One boy was absent-minded and forgetful, and his best friend thought his mother mistreated him. But it turned out the boy had psychic powers and anger management issues, and his mother was wiping his memories daily to prevent him from getting angry. This manga blew my mind, and I couldn't forget the image of the two boys hugging.

After that, I always looked for shounen ai manga (manga about male/male relationships), but it was hard to find. Then, my focus shifted to Japanese rock bands, especially visual kei bands. I couldn't resist pretty boys singing hardcore music and giving fan service like kissing and hugging.

My obsession escalated when I discovered "slash stories," which are about male/male relationships. There were so many stories online, and they were in English. I wasn't good at English in high school, but these stories improved my vocabulary a lot.

One fanfiction that had a huge impact on me was a Harry Potter slash story about Harry and Draco. It blew my mind and sucked me into the world of fanfiction. Since then, I've read thousands of fics and have many favorite fandoms and OTPs.

Although there are fanfics written in my native language, I prefer reading and writing in English. I even write my own fanfiction, despite not being the best writer. But when it comes to reading, I'm an expert and can tell good writing from bad.

That's a bit about me and my journey as a fujoshi. It's been wild, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

4/30/15 3:48 PM

Shameless

to be truthful, i only watch this series because of mickey/ian part. but theres a reason why this series is still going on strong in US. all of the characters are harsh, real, but at the same time, human. they can be cruel and sans moral that never fail to make me cringe everytime. but there're also many awesome moments when they genuinely care about 'family' or when they struggle to be a better person. my favorite character is -goes without saying- mickey milkovich. ppl call him a white trash tug.. well, he is.. he never does a single honest work. he likes to destroy things as well as human. hell, he even sells his ex-whore wife to the highest bid. but when he loves, he 'loves'. he can be a jerk at first. he tried to deny it. doing things that was actually hurting his lover and himself. but after he becomes more honest with himself, there's no turning back. he'll do everything for his loved one, because family for him is everything that matter.

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for all the things happened

i am thankful
for my meals today
for my healthy mum
for my own health
for my complete and functioned limbs
for my working brain
for the roof that is still up
for this rodentless house
for not having to worry about some difficult stuff
for being given a more or less content life
for being alive and kicking
Alhamdulillah

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that fragile R

Maybe its just me who is still gripping the past, refusing to move on. Maybe i fail to see that the thread is already weak, that the smile is no longer vibrant, and that the words have lost their meaning. Maybe i have to let go.

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old love letter

just found this letter i wrote in 2012.. this is stupid, but makes me smile..

Dear you.

You don't deserve my love but i love you anyway. This love for you is like a parasite, eating my heart away. I'm too far in a pointless imagination of you i can't be saved. It can ruin my life but i would never be caved. You stuck in my head. But that's all i could get.

You're a real fantasy. You're the impossible. I know i have to stop but its not that simple. Your name's already craved deep in my heart. I think i must be invincible because i'm ready to be hurt. I cherish your smiles eventhough it's never directed at me. The smiles that practically lit the whole world and shame every rhyme.

You don't deserve my love but i love you anyway. There's thousand men worth my heart more but only to you that my heart goes.

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Not to wake

This lucidity of mine
slowly scatters my carefuly built mind
makes them into remains
pulls hard to all the already broken reins

rush as far as you like
won't change that it's still a ten-mile hike
an iron spike is all you have
as you've always known that it's all just a naff

i want to break the reality
dissolve it until blurry

believe me it's not peace that you're looking for
but pain
the pain that will make you stay grounded
that will make you more alive even in your death

i am stranded
i can only see red
i am asking the answer of my own
i believe i am drown

don't be silly
water is not for burrying a body
water will not drown you
water will get rid of you

first day of 2015 eh?

So.. how is it going, you ask?
last year was nice to me, i think..
terrible mistakes i made, had a way to find its solution.
all the worries settled comfortably into hope.

i still can feel the overwhelming rope.
but that's okay, i'm getting the hang of it.

i dont expect much for this year.
but just try to stop my prayer.

this life that i've been chosen to live.
i waste my worth by being too naive.
i always scream to be saved.
but being an ignorant self, its inevitable to be caved.

i'm forgetful of being thankful.
always say that something really nice in my life is something that i was deprived.
ungrateful of me.
maybe if that's not me, it won't be too hard to favor me.

and then i wish to be more mature to know myself.
to admit the scars and the bruises from my own fangs.
let us see for this year yeah?

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