for all the things happened

i am thankful
for my meals today
for my healthy mum
for my own health
for my complete and functioned limbs
for my working brain
for the roof that is still up
for this rodentless house
for not having to worry about some difficult stuff
for being given a more or less content life
for being alive and kicking
Alhamdulillah

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that fragile R

Maybe its just me who is still gripping the past, refusing to move on. Maybe i fail to see that the thread is already weak, that the smile is no longer vibrant, and that the words have lost their meaning. Maybe i have to let go.

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old love letter

just found this letter i wrote in 2012.. this is stupid, but makes me smile..

Dear you.

You don't deserve my love but i love you anyway. This love for you is like a parasite, eating my heart away. I'm too far in a pointless imagination of you i can't be saved. It can ruin my life but i would never be caved. You stuck in my head. But that's all i could get.

You're a real fantasy. You're the impossible. I know i have to stop but its not that simple. Your name's already craved deep in my heart. I think i must be invincible because i'm ready to be hurt. I cherish your smiles eventhough it's never directed at me. The smiles that practically lit the whole world and shame every rhyme.

You don't deserve my love but i love you anyway. There's thousand men worth my heart more but only to you that my heart goes.

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Not to wake

This lucidity of mine
slowly scatters my carefuly built mind
makes them into remains
pulls hard to all the already broken reins

rush as far as you like
won't change that it's still a ten-mile hike
an iron spike is all you have
as you've always known that it's all just a naff

i want to break the reality
dissolve it until blurry

believe me it's not peace that you're looking for
but pain
the pain that will make you stay grounded
that will make you more alive even in your death

i am stranded
i can only see red
i am asking the answer of my own
i believe i am drown

don't be silly
water is not for burrying a body
water will not drown you
water will get rid of you

first day of 2015 eh?

So.. how is it going, you ask?
last year was nice to me, i think..
terrible mistakes i made, had a way to find its solution.
all the worries settled comfortably into hope.

i still can feel the overwhelming rope.
but that's okay, i'm getting the hang of it.

i dont expect much for this year.
but just try to stop my prayer.

this life that i've been chosen to live.
i waste my worth by being too naive.
i always scream to be saved.
but being an ignorant self, its inevitable to be caved.

i'm forgetful of being thankful.
always say that something really nice in my life is something that i was deprived.
ungrateful of me.
maybe if that's not me, it won't be too hard to favor me.

and then i wish to be more mature to know myself.
to admit the scars and the bruises from my own fangs.
let us see for this year yeah?

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the origin of love

so, IMO, Lucifer's greatest mistake is that he loves God too much. He was blinded of human worth because of his jealousy and arrogance. Michael's love is as strong, but different in a way. He loves God with his blind obidience. He takes what is given and gives what is asked.

Love is powerful. it can shove you deep down the pit. it can save you from the perdition.

i see

i dreamed of the future
i saw a reflexion in the mirror
i weep for the fool

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